Fighting Self Doubt and Sculpting an Ankheg

The Ankheg, in classic Dnd literature, had a fairly simple role. They often troubled farmers by burrowing into their fields and destroying their crops. They were destructive and dangerous and could easily topple the life of a lowly farmer or at the very least gnaw at the foundations of her field until it collapses.

There is something to be said about the monsters that burrow deep and undercut the good fruits on the surface. 

Self-Doubt is one such monster. It is that sense in which I feel that I am not good enough and maybe I never will be. It often arrives in the midst of a perfectly normal day. For me, nothing really needs to happen. I’m just working or playing a video game or talking with a friend and suddenly from deep within I am struck by a passing thought… “what if…” 

What if I’m not really good enough to succeed as an artist? 

What if everyone is just being really nice to me? 

What if I’m making a mistake?

What if my sense of me is wrong? 

And from deep within it unminds my confidence and leaves me feeling weak a bit ready to collapse. 

The gnawing can be the hardest part. Because I find I can win the battle sometimes. I can push back the beast of my own self-doubt and deny its existence in my own life. I can return it to the depths and try to forget about it. But the gnawing continues. And it is only a matter of time til my own self-doubt either breaks through the surface once more looking to destroy me. Or til the quiet gnawing collapses the foundation on which my self-worth is built. 

How do we fight such foes? How do we stand up against the monsters of our own doubt?

Here are three ways I fight my own self-doubt.

1. I remember that my thoughts are not the same as my truth.

Our big ole brains are capable of many wonderful things. The very creativity that drives you toward creating cool art or capturing awesome photos or writing cool stories is proof of the amazing things that brains can do. And creativity really is this magical force within us that can make something out of nothing. It’s beautiful in its raw potential but that power swings both ways. Here’s the thing: your brain that creates fantasy creatures like Ankhegs can also create ideas about you. Ideas that are just as ridiculous as giant bug monsters with killer claws. And just like the Ankheg you don’t have to believe everything your brain thinks. 

You are more than you think. Your thoughts are powerful and formative and influential only in the ways you let them be. 

So here’s the truth: you have the means of telling your own story, of creatively seeing yourself in the best light possible. And I don’t mean ignoring your flaws or becoming an arrogant jerk. I mean simply this: you can reject the self-reflection that destroys you and replace it with encouragement that builds you up. 

Let me encourage you to take hold of your creative spirit and use it to tell yourself the story of you you want to tell. Write mantras, finds encouraging quotes, draw pictures of yourself succeeding, and whatever you can do flood your brain with the truth you want to believe about yourself and push back the monster of self-doubt.

2. I acknowledge that I am not a prophet and doubt is not a fortune told.

One of the most difficult things about self-doubt is that it is often tied to a future fear of that doubt coming to fruition. That you will wake up one day exposed to the flaws of your own creations. But I have good news for you. Self-doubt is not a prophecy. No spiritualist woke up one day looked at their tea leaves and whispered your self-doubt into the world. There is no grand prediction over your life and even if there was it doesn’t live in your brain. 

As wonderful as you are, and please if you get nothing else today know I think you are wonderful but as wonderful as you are, you are not a prophet and you cannot predict the future. 

And this is the best news possible. Self-doubt is not the same thing as fortune-telling. 

So when self-doubt creeps into your mind and you begin wrestling with it as you think about what may eventually happen you have a choice: do you let one possibility rule your day, control your attitudes, and take over your life? Or do you acknowledge that the outcome is not yet realized and that you can through sheer force of your own strength and ability push on past the doubts into somewhere else? 

Let the doubts be one of the multiversal millions of potential outcomes acknowledge it and move on to other far more enjoyable possibilities. Cause what if my doubts come true is a waaaaay worse idea than what if my dreams come true? What if I’m discovered to be exactly who I always wished I was? What if luck is on my side today? 

3. I seek out support from beyond myself.

That said, I have to confess: even though I believe my brain is strong enough to rewrite my own story I sometimes don’t have the strength to do it. And just cause I know my doubt isn’t a prediction of my future it can be a strong and worrisome portent. 

And yes. I don’t always have the means to fight myself. If the battle with self-doubt is entirely fought within it can sometimes collapse in on you. 

It doesn’t always happen this way but I know that life is hard and often cruel and in that sort of world, you may be fighting too hard and too often to hold your head above the water. So in those moments let me encourage you to look beyond yourself. Find positive people who will remind you of the story you are telling about yourself. The kind of people who know you and look at you and see you for the good you bring into the world. They can lift you up. They can join the battle against your own self-doubt. They can be a powerful force that can sway the tides of your fight.

So seek out these sorts of people today. Find a discord, a youtube community, a Twitter feed, or even just people in the real world… and start being each other’s backup against self-doubt. 

Going beyond that: If you ever get an encouraging comment, or a nice note, or get told a compliment. Write it down. Collect these words of power like spells in a wizard’s spellbook so that when needed you can resite them and summon the magic of their encouragement. Hoard this power for yourself and draw on it as often as you need. 

And I know. It’s very likely that at some point someone will see this video and say to themself “But I don’t have those sorts of people. And the doubts are already here.” 

And to that let me contribute these words to you. All of you. 

You are enough. Yep, I don’t know you but that doesn’t really matter right now. I know you are enough because I’ve seen it in people. That you are, no matter your successes or failures, a person worthy of love and respect and good things. You have the potential to do great things. 

Today may be a hard day. And it may be difficult to see exactly who you are. But don’t lose heart. The doubts may be strong but they are not true. The worries may be real but they are not predictions of the future. It may be hard to fight but you are not alone. 

Hold those words close. It doesn’t matter if you agree or believe me: hear them as truth. Let them help fight the doubts. Cause you are more than your doubts let you believe.